That's my purse! I don't know you!

Paper heart.

I’m a little sick and just want to relax today. Taking a day off from the gym. It’s beautiful out so I’m laying in bed with the windows open doing crossword puzzles until it’s time to go to work. I love that feeling of fresh air coming through the window and filling my room with the smell of springtime. I have always hated crossword puzzles but yesterday I had this huge urge to do some. I am horrible at them, so I really don’t know what came over me. Now eleven puzzles down, I think I’m addicted. It is a nice distraction from my problems and is weirdly calming.

Also, I am done trying to date, and I am especially done believing anything anyone says. Men are confusing creatures and clearly are on this planet purely to fuck with my mind. I think it’s time to bust out my copy of He’s Just Not That Into You. I’ve had a really horrible couple of months and I really thought something good may have been happening to me finally, but I guess I was wrong. So. I feel like a million bucks.

I don’t think this is how it’s supposed to work.

I have been going to the gym for at least an hour and a half every day, drinking only water (except last night when I had two drinks at the bar), eating smaller portions and healthier meals.

I just went to go weigh myself and found that I have gained five pounds since last week. Really?! Really body? What the hell?! I was feeling really good after I came home from the gym tonight and now I feel like I’m totally wasting my time. (I know I’m not wasting my time, if I’m not losing weight at least going there completely boosts my mood, but shit, finding out I gained 5 pounds after working really hard is not encouraging at all.)

Lame!

I guess I got some dangerous moves.

I hadn’t realized that I was dancing around my kitchen to Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream until I accidentally punched myself in the eye.

I think he likes me.

I can’t stop smiling.

a relationship revelation.

I’ve been thinking a lot tonight about my past relationships and the guys that I’ve fallen for. It started when I saw this extremely shallow post that one of my ex-boyfriends put on facebook. It was just one little comment, but when I saw it I realized what a complete douche bag he really is.

I tried to remember why I dated him. I took some time to think about it and this is all I could come up with: he was a good looking guy who gave me a lot of attention. That’s really  all there was to it. I used to think that it was also because he was easy to talk to but then it hit me- it’s not that he’s easy to talk to. No, that was not the reason we could have phone calls that lasted for hours. We could have phone calls that lasted for hours because he was so full of himself and his own thoughts that it was just him talking the entire time. I would say “yeah” “I know” “haha” and maybe add a little related story in, but probably at least 85% of the time it was him talking. To be honest, I didn’t even agree with most of the things he said. I think just I tried to tell myself it was a good thing that we weren’t similar. Blah Blah Blah. I could go on and on about what I don’t like about him and why I’m glad I’m not with him anymore but instead I will stop rambling and get to my point: He did not make me happy. I was not truly happy. I saw the abundance of red flags, but I still told myself (and him… and everyone else…) that I liked him and the relationship. Yet throughout the entire time I knew he was not a good match for me.

This got me thinking about the other guys that I allowed myself to spend so much time on. What did I come to find? I was not happy with most of them either! Different guys, different issues. But it came down to this with every single one of them: I could see the red flags in the relationship while I was in them. It’s not like I was blind to them. I saw it and I knew that I was not happy. But I stayed because, well, because I’m a fucking dumb ass. I knew that these guys were not good for me or good to me, but they gave me attention. How fucking sad is that? A guy gives me a little attention and I’m all his, even when I know he makes me miserable. That makes me even more pathetic than them and all of their issues.

I’m really hard on myself most of the time. I’m incredibly self-conscious. But I KNOW I deserve to be happy. Everybody does. My best friend died a few months ago and ever since his death I’ve been thinking about how short life can be. How important it is to be happy as much as possible because you don’t know when it’s all going to end. I’m a horrible writer and my thoughts jumble so sometimes I can’t get it all to connect the way I want it to… but all of this is in my head right now. I had the epiphany about these guys. Made that simple connection between all of them which I should have realized a long time ago. How stupid I was. After all of this, I’m sitting here laughing at myself. Why did I let myself waste so much time on these guys who I clearly knew were making me unhappy?

No more. It’s taken me a long time but I now know what I deserve. I’m not going to look back because they aren’t even worth thinking about anymore. I learned from it and now I’m done. I can happily close the book of my past relationships. From now on, if I know someone is not making me happy I am saying goodbye. I cannot waste any more of my life on people like that. As I said, I am extremely hard on myself, but deep down I know I am awesome and that I deserve a hell of a lot more than that. I deserve someone who truly makes me happy, not just someone who gives me some attention.

Life is too short to stay with someone who doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

So thank you, ex-boyfriend, for being a total dipshit on facebook tonight. You made me reflect on my life and probably saved me from years of unhappiness in the future. Goodbye to all ex-boyfriends, I am on to better things.

I have issues.

I woke up today with this undeniable urge to listen to Michael Bolton.

I’m not even a Michael Bolton fan but I had to follow my urge so I listened to How Can We Be Lovers If We Can’t Be Friends, I Can Go The Distance and WHEN A MAAAAAAAAAANNNNN LOVES A WOOOMAAAANNNNNNN. I now have this crazy energy boost!

Is it possible that Michael Bolton is my caffeine? Oh god I hope not!

Please tell me that is not the sun rising already…

I am having the hardest time getting to sleep tonight. This is so unlike me. Normally I can fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow, even if I’m not tired at all. It’s one of the few things I am able to brag about. But tonight my ability to sleep has vanished. Actually, that’s not completely true. Every so often I am able to drift off to sleep, but I wake up coughing and can’t stop for like 15 seconds. The thing is, I don’t think I’m sick. I haven’t been coughing at all while awake. I’ve woken up in a coughing fit three times tonight. It’s 5:31 am and I have to be up by 10 to get ready for work. This sucks. I don’t know what’s going on with me tonight. I’m really tired… I just want to sleeeeep. :(